Tao of Scott

Hi Nichole,

I just got back from Costco. Fuck!!

So I went Costco as instructed by Kathy. Not only was I to complete the primary mission which was to find and purchase the items on the shopping list but also I needed to talk to the little cyborg guy in the electronics department about some weird shit that is going on with our DVD player which we had recently bought at this very Costco. See, our “home entertainment system” is comprised of an assorted pile of components representing a range of technologies some of which go back thirty years. The chore is to integrate these components, which all logic would suggest could never be compatible, into one seamless smooth running multi-media system. Well it did work but not well. Anyway I explain the nature of our problem to the little cyborg and he says, “The interface you are attempting cannot work.”

“This DVD player what I just bought is identical to the one we had which worked, in this exact same interface, for four years.” I informed the little cyborg piece of shit who isn’t even shaving yet.

“No, it didn’t.” it said.

“Excuse me, it did so.” I said, tight jawed, in a voice that sounded like it had come from a cinder block.

“No it didn’t. It never worked,” it said.

“Fuck you.” I breathed under my breath so as not get thrown out of Costco in an unceremonious fashion. You know, the complete impossibility of coherent communication between the youth of today and barely animated carcasses such as myself brought one by this blizzard of technological wonderment makes the “generation gap” of my younger days look like a small crack in the side walk. God, our parents had it easy!

Well, I got behind the wheel of my push cart and proceeded to venture into the vast and unfamiliar din that is Costco. When I come here with Kathy I don’t actually look for things I just follow her like an old slobbery faced hound. Kathy says she’d rather I stayed home but I feel like by accompanying her I can trick her into thinking I’m at least moderately useful. She never really falls for this insipid ploy. Anyway I am looking for stuff now.

When Kathy gave me the shopping list I realized that I had no idea where any of this shit would be located so I drew a crude rendition of the Costco layout (basically a square with the appropriate points of the compass adjacent to the various sides of the building) and had her write in each of the items in their approximate locations within the store. With this illustrative device, I commenced to shop. Costco changes the location of things all the time, they have like items in more than one place in the store (i.e.… two kinds of bacon in the open cabinet cold food section and one other kind of bacon inexplicably situated about a hundred yards away in the closed cabinet of some other cold food section). When I discovered the latter, I felt compelled to return the former to its original storage place as I was sure that Kathy normally bought the latter brand. Kathy said, upon my return home with the goods, that she had never seen this brand of bacon before but oh well; it was too late now we would just have to suffer through. This scenario played out, more or less, with the bulk of the items on the list. Also Costco is fucking ginormous and, as I neglected to bring my driving glasses, I could not make out the size, shape or color of anything situated more than fifteen feet away from me. I must have walked eleven miles in Costco to get nine items.

As I’m stumbling around in this airplane hanger turned bulk purchase department store I begin to notice small gaggles of shoppers gathered around little stands, located all over the store, where Barbie sized portions of smoked salmon, gourmet pizza, sausage on tooth pick, chip with sundry dip, every vegetable with sundry dip, Barbie sandwiches, etc., are being served for free. I also notice this guy in a billed cap, the kind with the stupid, flat, bill board sized front that makes the wearer look he just got let out of a state facility, showing up at each of these little stands as I pass by and it occurs to me that he has come to Costco for lunch. If you go to all the little stands you can accumulate about seventy Barbie bites which constitute a nutritious meal for free. His need to frequent this eating establishment, which doubles as a bulk purchase department store, is made clear by the sign on the bill board resting atop his noggin which reads “Terry’s Used Tires and Taqueria.” In this economy I have noted a marked increase in multi tasking entrepreneurs. Kathy and I were driving to the bank one day and she pulled into a drive thru “Hawaiian Ice” stand, located in the middle of a huge, otherwise empty dirt lot. She pulls up to the order window and places an “Avon” order. “What the fuck?” I say. Kathy explains that the proprietor lost her job as a low level health care shlub, bought this vacant shack which used to be an espresso station, and then realized she needed to augment her income and started selling Avon out of the Hawaiian Ice stand. A customer’s pickup truck was parked at the corner of the dirt lot. On it was painted “Anything Anytime/No Job Too Small” along with a local phone number. This is why Americans may be down but their never out.

I was telling Kathy about the amazing “lunch phenomenon” at Costco.

“Yah, that’s my favorite part of going to Costco.” Kathy said.

Love Dad

Oh, as it turns out I went back to Costco to pursue the DVD question. A different little cyborg guy was on duty. I again explained my problem.

“Yah, no that’s wrong. This is our best selling item. You hooked it up right. It’s probably just a lemon. Bring it back and get another one.” he said.